They say women are from Venus and men from the red rock! One simply fails to understand then, that why are the Venusians hell-bent on turning the poor Martians over! Not only is there a massive difference of opinions on basically everything under the sky in the universe, there’s an unbelievable trait that they possess and are the undeniable queens of, and that trait is IRRITATION. They live by it, for it and even in it. Here’s how……
1. THEY KNOW EVERYTHING
They think they know everything better than the alpha male. Women will bend over backwards just to bring this point across to the average man. How many times have you found yourself saying “Honey! This car has 212 Brake Horse Power, with a German built drive-train, airbags, ABS and a spotless interior”. The reply for this is invariably, “No! The rear lights look pathetic”.
Whenever they are to accompany you to a place where being on time is of the essence, you are always invariably late. That’s because no matter what time you give them in lead, they always magically find out the real time and you find yourself all dressed up, with the car keys in one hand and your kid in the other, calling out, “Darling! We’re getting late”. Much to your expectations will be reply, “I just have to take a shower, straighten my hair, iron my clothes, find my nail polish remover, and then French-manicure my nails and I’m done. Please find my black Jimmy Choo’s”.
3. IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT THEM
If you ever dare to think it is not about them, think again my poor male friends, it is hardly ever about you and your earthly logics. If you think your being chivalrous by opening the door for them please correct your billion year old thought processors. It is YOUR job-and- THEIR right. If you think your courtesies need to be appreciated ask yourself or your physician or your doctor whether you are a Neanderthal, you were born a few hundred levels below them. No arguments, it is always about them, ALWAYS.
4. THEY WANT TO TRAIN YOU IN EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE
They – incorrectly – believe that men can be trained or improved. In actuality self-improvement for men stopped at toilet training, or at-least that is what they like to believe. There is no aspect in life which you know about correctly. The “Alpha” woman will view your complete personality and tell you in the blink of an eye that you need to be trained in every aspect of your life starting from the choice of your shoes to the way you do or don’t do your hair.
5. THEY HAVE A GOD-GIVEN LICENCE TO KILL
They have hyped up the PMS problem so they have an excuse to be a bitch once in a while without any repercussions. Any mood swings or flying tantrums that may be coming your way are licensed and approved through their ever-so fragile anatomies. Ranging from anything between five to seven days you will be badgered with the most amazing onslaught of profanities in history. Needless to say your vocabulary about their anatomy is likely to increase ten-fold during these days.
6. SHE NEVER MEANS WHAT SHE SAYS
They think all feelings can be said and explained. And expect men to be able to communicate at metaphysical levels. Everything she says can mean two things or one or all three, the third being in the confines of her head, which you should magically know of. If she says she needs the car it also means she needs cash, the tank filled and you to be a phone call away in-case it breaks down. Didn’t you know that already!?!
7. THEY CONTROL THE REIGNS OF YOUR LIFE
Women have that inept ability to magically screw your day when everything seemed perfect. Just when you thought you couldn’t ask your fairy god mother for anything more, she comes in and tells you, “Oh darling, remember those Gucci travel bags we saw online(YOU HAVE NO CLUE GUCCI MADE TRAVEL BAGS….. TWELVE OF THEM), I just ordered them and they will only cost us $12000”. Your reply which gets stuck behind the forced smile on your face, “But we already have 34 bags of all colors shapes and sizes!!!!!
8. THEY NEVER STOP WHINING!!!
They have no idea of what they want but expect you to know that ALWAYS. You can literally bring her the moon and the underlying problem with that is just one, “But it seemed so much prettier in the sky at night”. Get her mammoth diamond ring and expect this, “Couldn’t you have it put in a Platinum ring, Gold is so yesterday”.
9. THEY WILL ALWAYS NAG YOU FOR QUALITY TIME
First off, there is no definition for quality time. If you spend the entire weekend at home with them that is NOT quality time. It’s a term found in the scriptures of the planet Venus. It means going out to a place that is exotic and expensive. Doing every chore in the house to ensure she can enjoy the leisure of “the couch”, which includes backrubs and foot-massages.
10. THEY THINK THEY ARE THE LAW
Ever wonder why the majority of Gynecologists are women? When women are born, they have a tag which these women lady doctors have been removing for eons. It says; Warning: anything you say and/or don’t say, or do and/or don’t do, or think or can’t think, can and WILL be used against you whenever you breath inappropriately, crack a stupid joke try to teach me anything under the sky or remotely have a chance of messing up. It doesn’t matter whether she decided to forgive you for it or you both decided to never talk about that again. If you messed up, that shit is coming out again. She will keep in her secret bag of sins and use it against you after a month. You men have no chance of breaking their rules. If they thought it, IT has to be THE LAW.