So it is time for a flashy and highly arrogant announcement of my arrival. A pool party will be nice, the ultimate pubescent dream come true. But even in my highly compromising fantasy world, some women can’t be invited and the following ladies top the list.
1. Kate Moss
Since times immemorial, Kate Moss’s charity for the aesthetically challenged has been distributing generous packages of self-esteem all over the world. Her extremely busy schedule probably allows for only a couple of marathons between daily coke snorting sessions, as is evident from these strips of muscle hanging from her bones.
2. Penelope Cruz
For some reason, the world is obsessed about the supposed beauty of Spanish women, when obviously there isn’t any. A living example is the former flaming chica Penelope Cruz. Simply put, she is just… weird looking.
3. Nicole Kidman
Well, either Miss Kidman really got ready in a hurry or her makeup artist is looking for another job. Either way, women who like to get things done quickly or don’t notice stuff on their faces are not invited to my party.
4. Sarah Jessica Parker
Damn, does Sarah Jessica Parker work as a part time succubus? You can’t doubt it with her CV. With the right facial features, bony/veiny hands and a highly relevant TV show, I surely don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night to find this hag on top.
5. Kirsten Dunst
Early symptoms of Ebola? Staph infection? Left over candle wax after a BDSM session? Whatever the ailment is, it surely itches like hell. Should have concealed it with some Uggs.
6. Jennifer Garner
Have a parasitic twin toe growing out of your foot at an acute angle? Have paparazzo’s on your tail? Wear flip flops and lose your next modeling contract (and party invitation).
7. Tara Reid
At this point in time, probably the only things not sagging down are her lower teeth. Tara Reid’s multiple dates with the plastic surgeon haven’t given her the life insurance she was hoping for and she clearly needs a lot of “support”.
8. Paris Hilton
That rash looks ripe for a nasty infection. But Paris Hilton does deserve some praise as she has almost made it out of those voyeuristic jungles of accusation, slander and character assassination with just a blemish.
9. Elle Macpherson
Although I m not much of a feet person, I wonder why some women don’t realize the ghastliness of their trotters and try to hide them? Well Elle Macpherson’s lumpy leathery protrusions don’t help my dilemma.
10. Shilpa Shetty
OMFG! Are those really feet? I bet that big toe is longer that most guys ****. Sorry Shilpa, I am scared of your apparent ability to strangle people with your feet.